Perhaps the losses have taken their toll, or the solitude too long. But do you not, just maybe, perhaps, even for a moment agree that at some point you have to stop reading, stop visualizing and maybe even stop believing.... and just get up and do it?
I watch the Qi Gong instructor, on the DVD, standing by a river in a forest, the yoga instructor on the ocean beach, I read of the need to reconnect to nature and feel her heart beat synchronized with our own. Simple things. Gratitude. Quietness. Letting the monkey mind take a nap. Breathing and awareness. Don't you think at some point, you have to stop watching and become the picture itself?
Perhaps I am more odd than I thought, but the answer I got was 'yes.' And so to the lake I went, away from all others. Beneath the sun, getting ready to kiss the moon good night, upon her heated mattress of rocks, I laid down and stretched my body. One has to relax to feel the rock's softness. When my senses were filled, my body soaked in the sun, I stood and pretended to be the Qi Gong instructor, and pushed my hands to heaven.